It’s been a hot minute since I last posted but I miss the therapeutic outlet of writing. Recently I began therapy again and though it has brought up a lot residual feelings. Last session I nearly lost it but I cannot let myself do that in front of people. Every time I get asked about my eating habits. The newest therapist, I really do enjoy him, pointed out that excessive exercise can be a form of purging. Honestly, I knew this but never really confronted the fact that it may be the backbone of my motivation.
The wild thing about eating disorders is that you’re constantly surrounded by your triggers. The environment doesn’t allow you to have any respite, escape from what drags you down. It involves waking up in the morning, thinking about what to eat for breakfast. Regretting that the protein bar has so many carbs, remembering from somewhere that working out on an empty stomach can burn more calories. Not being able to escape involves having the words, “fat” “calories” “carbs” “vomit” “exercise” “skinny” ricocheting off of every wall in your mind.
It is difficult to explain how this all even started and honestly it is even harder to understand why I still can’t shake it. All I’ve ever wanted in life is my goal body but I’ve been wanting that for over 10 years now. At what point do I recognize whether I’ve achieved, surpassed, or even fallen short of my goal? Will I be happy as a size large, medium, small, or extra small? Does it all even matter?
Dysfunctional Daily 