TVD

Are there ever TV shows that make you feel in some type of way? Because damn, Netflix is taking off The Vampire Diaries so I’m panic binge watching before they do because this show was my guilty pleasure. I forgot how much it made me believe in the romance and epic love stories. (Which doesn’t jive with my major) I want that for myself. I also want Ian SomerHalder for myself too but that’s a different post for a different day.

The issue with romance and happiness is it doesn’t last. Or at least it hasn’t in the past, it’s all so confusing. I start talking to anyone and the past seems to get in the way, how am I supposed to be happy? Do I deserve happy?

I just don’t understand all this. On the upside TVD got me feeling in some type of way. 30h!3 is on this soundtrack for the episode I’m watching and I’m all about it.

Short post for today, oh yeah! I got a tattoo! 1920 behind my ear, brings my total to six. The artist said that to cover up my forearm I need to wait 2 to 3 weeks for my fresh cuts to heal. That’s a whole other issue, how do I go that long?

Safety Plans

I had completely forgotten about a psychiatrist appointment I had today. I went there and low and behold of course she isn’t exactly satisfied with my current dosage. She’s concerned that with all the stomach issues I’m having, since it’s been making me so nauseous and puke all the time that it’s effecting my lamotrigine levels. She doesn’t want to change it though because of the same reason. Which is fine by me, I personally don’t want my medications upped.

Due to the recent suicidal issue I had a Saturday or two ago she also made me develop a new safety plan. Ironically it had the opposite effect. After being asked all those questions about my triggers all I wanted to do was go home and cut. And so I did. Pathetic perhaps, but it felt good. Stopping is such a bitch.

I see my regular counselor on Thursday which hopefully will help.

Uncertainty

Occasionally I feel as though I have nothing to say because I have nothing extremely depressing or life changing to write. I suppose this is a bump I need to overcome. It was my birthday this past Friday, oddly enough, one of the first I’ve celebrated with my friends. Seemed strange to celebrate a day that first of all, I have no memory of and neither does my family. I had the fortune of having class on my birthday and the day after, truly the fortune. I enjoyed this class beyond so many others. Skinner (B.F) wrote Walden Two as a perspective on a community living by behavior analytic principles. This class I’m in discusses everything mentioned in the book at length. As in an eight hour class. It was fantastic, albeit deep. One of the topics that came up was environmentalism and I was really affected by it. I’m transitioning slowly to a more environmentally conscious lifestyle. I have bags that compost themselves after a short time period, new bamboo toothbrushes, and reusable makeup remover pads. Soon I’m ordering a composting system too! It’s small and has worms inside, reminds me of being on the farm. My birthday present to myself was actually a reusable straw that attaches to a key chain.  Well, I digress. I will update on the compost system. I’m excited!

Dear CWC,

Dear Central Wisconsin Christian School,

In regards to your request for donations, the answer is no. However, the deliver of that request compelled me to write this. First, I am unsure how you got my address, please take it off of future mailing lists. Second, the amount you are attempting to raise, not even in total, just the $500,000 this ridiculous. There is true poverty surrounding you, missions that are in dire need of donations, and many around the world who need that money more than you do.

In your letter you mention how we, alumni, make CWC a special place. You are not wrong. It is a special place but not the one you are striving to create. It is a special place where the student body is not held equally accountable for their actions, where privilege is overlooked, dress codes that discriminate against young women and their developing bodies, and where you are still practicing “celebrations” of history that never occurred.  You force children and developing adults to attend chapels, this is not the way to grow in faith! Answer their questions, validate their inquires, and find out what may be causing them to feel strained with God.

To explain, from experience if two student commit the same “crime” if one is an athlete they will not be punished in the same way as someone involved in the arts. My own personal experience of sitting out of a state competition where as the others were allowed to go on and play in their athletic game. From my understanding, not much has changed. However, that is a small, small, piece of the pie. Another issue is the dress code the perpetrates the view that women are distracting to men. I am not speaking against a dress code, they are necessary in certain situations. The issue here is how it is implemented, just because women are shaped differently clothes may fit differently. One cannot say that someone with bigger breasts can’t wear the same type tight shirt someone with small breasts is wearing, discriminating against body types is not okay. Also, if you’re going to implement a dress code please do so across the board, do not play favorites. From the experiences of many, many young women only a select few get in trouble with the dress code.

I also see from pictures that you’re still celebrating Pilgrims and “Indians” day. Seriously? It is 2019! First, Native Americans. Second, what are you celebrating? How much disease the Pilgrims brought? How they raped and took advantage of the Native Americans? Something doesn’t quite make sense here. This isn’t something to belittle or play dress up with. History is being misinterpreted and erased with this practice.

Another topic of interest is furthering education past high school. You feed seniors to the colleges of your choice, Trinity or Dordt. There is no support for diversity in choosing a different college, especially a more affordable one. The drop out rates from these schools from students who attended CWC is impressive.

As I conclude this, your culture of bullying is absolutely and utterly disgusting. There are no consequences for the perpetrators, no one is held accountable and the victims are forced to deal with this over and over again. No one at the head of this school takes accountability for this problem or action. Many students from the past and current have LEFT because of this issue, which you deny is an issue.

In summary, it’s time this school is held accountable for their actions, own what problems you have and FIX them before you go adding on. It’s time people knew that this school isn’t what it appears to be.

 

Sincerely,

an “alumni”

2/2/19

What do normal people stress about? I can’t quite remember if I ever updated this blog on my educational status. I’m two semester into trying to earn my graduate degree in Applied Behavior Analysis and Therapy. I am in love with graduate school. The challenge, the reading, everything about it is great. However, I am having the worst time trying to solidify a practicum site. I need, NEED, to start my practicum hours this semester, this week. The site that wanted me has kept me waiting for nearly three weeks, which was fine because it was somewhere that I really wanted to work at. Now that the time finally came to sign the paper work however the BCBA they hired will not sign the papers. There is no logical reason why she won’t (other than she would have to supervise me for free and she usually gets $2,300)

So, in summary, I’m fucking screwed.

 

Nights like this

It’s nights like this that make me wonder how much longer I can actually hang on. This pain, sledgehammer, hitting my chest, I can’t breathe. The self-harm recovery went well until it didn’t.

Who would I talk to? Whose should would I cry on? Who would even begin to understand what I’m feeling?

No one can see me like this. I’m trying to self-calm so I’ll update with some shit poetry I wrote.

 

Am I ready to part with my family?

I can’t be a feminist like you are

The way I was raised holds me back,

looking outside while I’m struggling to break free

I burn my bras, their words burn me

I defend the oppressed and I’m reminded who the oppressors look like

I try to say, “her body, her choice” I’m told I have no choice

I celebrate the legalization of gay marriage and they pray for me

I say I don’t want to be a mother and they tell me the function of my body

I share the outrage of the violated and I’m reassured that it doesn’t happen here

(it does).

 

Instagram

No Instagram images were found.

Follow me on Twitter

Follow Dysfunctional Daily on WordPress.com